Entries for June, 2006
June 6th, 2006
Busy days and wandering thoughts... POSTED AT 03:14 PM in Ramblings Even now, I am wondering what it is that I want to share… The most exciting thing that happened is the donor visit that took place yesterday. It was a great day. One of those days which makes you think. Or rather one of those days that throws things at you which make you wonder about a lot of things.One of the things I was wondering about was I. He he. I know. I can be quite conceited. Well, I was sending texts to my friend telling her about what a great day it was but also a day full of different sorts of feelings. These feelings could be categorized together and at the same time can be placed at the polar opposites. Well, for that matter, they just might be plain different feelings that are totally unrelated. It was an exhilarating day. What with going around the city with certain bigwigs. Lol. I always tell myself that men of high standing and poor men are nothing but an illusion – a glass bubble that we create to make ourselves feel special. Anyways, when the bigwigs talk with you and listen to you, well, it does make one feel special.The other feeling was one of hope and despair. Would I ever get there? Would I be someone significant? Would I achieve something significant? Perhaps I would. Perhaps I wouldn’t. Even if I didn’t, would that really matter. I don’t think it would. I think what matters is that I do my job and do it well. Honours may or may not come. (I wouldn’t say no to it if it does :D) And meanwhile, I know that God is my biggest admirer… Reading: The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkein Listening to: Jennifer Knapp - Kansas Feeling: thoughtful Have your say
|
|
June 9th, 2006
Bubble to bubble... POSTED AT 05:09 PM in Thoughts There had been a number of times when I have looked at the way certain things have been done in the past and marvelled at the stupidity of the whole thing. I mean, how could they have been so daft not to have seen that it was stupid? Worse still, they thought that was the best way to do it. One of the classic examples that I can think of is the leadership styles in the past. Authoritarianism was totally stupid. This demoralized people and people did the job only because they were afraid. The productivity could have been much more only if there was mentoring leadership around. There was no other way at the moment and this was the best method around until management gurus came about questioning this method and showing that there is another way and a better one at that. Well, my point here is not about just leadership styles and their impact. This pattern doesn’t exist just in leadership styles. It can be seen in parenting, education, community development. In any thing, really. What challenged me was how do I know that my idea is the best? What if someone else comes along with a better method and dumps my method as thrash. It is a tough thing. I was disillusioned. I mean, it is one thing if my work was not impacting the world around me. It is an entirely different thing if the impact has been a negative one! A few years down the line some one might come along and say that it would have been better if I had not done what I did. That way they would have been able to start with a clean slate instead of the total mess that I have left behind. Someone once said that only when we get out of the bubble can we really see things from a larger perspective. My fear is, am I merely getting into another bubble and looking at this bubble and judging it? (Is this why there is only one true Judge who sits over all the bubbles?) That aside, I have also realised a few other things: If not for the mess, we wouldn’t have realised that the old idea is crappy. In fact, what we actually do is improvise. The other thing is, one should have a humble and teachable attitude. This would mean that you wouldn’t be so caught up with your ‘great and only idea’ but be willing to learn from others and more so from your mistakes. It pays to listen to others, even if they seem to be talking crap. For what we assume to be crap could be a different perspective that person in bringing to the situation. They might not be right, but then you widen your perspective which, I think, is a good thing. Above all, I guess we just need to trust God and know that not only He sits above all the bubbles and perceives things objectively, He is also got everything in control… Reading: Still with the Hobbit Listening to: Kill Bill Theme Music Feeling: nothing |
|
June 13th, 2006
Spilt milk... POSTED AT 11:59 AM in Ramblings Aargh! The stupid things I say… Man, I wish I’d keep my mouth shut sometimes. I just mean it as fun or I mean nothing at all when I say something. I say it just because I want to say something. And when I sit doing something else, the stupidity of the whole thing dawns on me! And gosh, it is too late to do anything now than to post it in my blog and let people know that I was stupid. Anyways, there’s no use beating myself for it now. Thank God that I didn’t kill any relationship with what I said. Well, I just appeared stupid… So, that’s ok I guess.
Reading: Still with the Hobbit Listening to: Nothing really Feeling: foolish |
|
June 14th, 2006
funny people we are... POSTED AT 10:05 AM in Trying to be funny I got this sms from a friend. Thought it was interesting. So here it is,
If there's something that you like to add to it, post it! Feeling: eager |
|
June 17th, 2006
Can of worms! POSTED AT 08:31 AM in Ramblings, This funny thing called life Today, however, was different. Once we began discussing the topic I did not want to talk about it. It was not something that I acknowledged to myself right away. Now sitting back and thinking about it, I know I was trying to dodge the topic. I think I was not comfortable discussing it in a big group. Honestly, I prefer smaller groups when discussing such stuff. I feel I listen better and participate better when the group is smaller. This is surprising considering that I wanted this topic to be discussed in the girls niteout. Probably this is my introvert trait that was reacting. Or probably I was getting too used to smaller groups in the girls niteout. You know how it is when you get comfortable with a bunch of people you don’t want to let new people in. Or may be the topic is something that I didn’t want to think about. All these things said, I do think it was good that these things were being addressed in the open.This topic to me was like opening a can of worms. I don’t know. I didn’t want to contribute to the discussion. For quite sometime I was dodging the whole thing by focusing on taking pictures of everybody. Was trying my hand at photography. He he. Anyways, anju finally told me off and I stopped. I was being anti-social. Sigh. I think I am going through a phase where I don’t want to say much. One reason is I haven’t been spending time with myself or with God in a long time. I desperately feel the need to get away by myself and spend some time in the secret with God. I have been too busy or too occupied.Well, whatever it is, I think I would rather not think about marriage for sometime now. It is one of the ironies in life. On the one hand I want to get married. On the other, I don’t know… Feeling: lazy |
|
June 19th, 2006
Strange POSTED AT 02:18 PM in Ramblings, This funny thing called life Does it make me a stranger…?” Hearing a song that goes on like this. The following lines go something like this. “My best friend was born in a manger…” There are a lot of thoughts running in my head right now. But they are not connected. Well, the one thing that is common between all the thoughts is it is about relationships. I am thinking about the different relationships in my life. All of which are at the moment having some effect or the other on me. One of the relationships is kind of confusing. You are not sure where you stand. You do not know how and not further when it comes to stepping into their space. But you are quite fond of the person. With another friendship, I am thinking about what I had missed when she was away. This other friend is back from some place far away. While she was away missing her was not in the forefront of my conscience. Now that she is back and I get to chat with her like I used to, I am like, “oh my, I have missed her real bad.” It is more like the presence of something highlights what it used to be like in the absence of it. But when that is absent you are not very conscious about its absence. I told her this and she asked what I was bull-shitting about and whether I heard me say that. Lol. That is so like her. I had missed even that. I was very irritated with another person. We used to be on talking terms. And my fault, I did tell her off when I was in a nasty mood one day. She has been cold-shouldering me since then. Well, I did apologize and I know I shouldn’t expect her to forgive. And I don’t care very much about the cold-shouldering even. But I get very pissed when my smiles are not returned. That, I tell you, is very irritating. I am wondering if should apologize to her yet again. Well, whatever… Worry is another feeling that is in my heart. Worried for another friend who is unhappy. The situation is not in my control. All you can do is wonder why and pray. There is this feeling there is more to certain situations than what you see on the surface. There are times when you do not want to see the unrest under the seemingly calm surface. You want to believe that everything is alright. You do begin to believe everything is calm as it appears until something ruffles it up. There is this other friend who is facing an impossible situation at her work. I am thinking about her as well. Hoping that something will work out for her and her co-workers and for the people that they work with. Hoping and waiting for what seems to be the impossible. Fond remembrance: thinking of this other friend who is really far from here. Thinking about a silly incidence that put a smile on my face. Actually, thinking about it made me laugh. Fondly thinking of another friend as well. She is also far away. The sad thing was, just as we were getting to know each other she had to leave. But the good thing is, at least I know that we are friends and that we can build on what we have established. So many friends. So many good byes. So many emotions. All running together. In the end, my anchor is the fact that there is one who understands friendships and good-byes, knows every sigh and every smile, and is above every confusion and insecurity – my best friend who was born in a manger… |
|
June 26th, 2006
Authentic Swing POSTED AT 09:38 AM in Thoughts "Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing... Somethin' we was born with...Somethin' that's ours and ours alone...Somethin' that can't be taught to ya or learned...Somethin' that got to be remembered...Over time the world can, rob us of that swing...It get buried inside us under all our wouldas and couldas and shouldas...Some folk even forget what their swing was like..." ~ from the movie 'The Legend of Bagger Vance' I have wanted to write about yesterday’s message for sometime now. I did not find the time to sit and put it in black and white. And more importantly, it is not something that is easy to write about. It is one of those messages that leave a deep impact on you but you can’t really shoot off point one, two and three from this message. It wasn’t the kind that was neatly packaged and presented. It was the sort where everything was unpacked and left in the open. Everybody was free to choose from it what suited them best. Tim said that he could give it different titles. That is so true. Each title would fit it and yet would not completely describe it. Anyways, the message started with a clip from the movie ‘the Legend of Bagger Vance.’ This guy was talking about the authentic swing. For background info, this movie is about a big time golfer whose life fell apart after fighting in a war. He is required to play golf again and Bagger Vance is the man that is helping him. In this video clip that we watched, Bagger Vance and the caddy are checking out the golf course. And while doing that, he is talking about the authentic swing. It really struck a chord with me. He said something like that inside of everyone is this authentic swing. We are born with it. It is something specifically ours. Why it struck a chord with me is because I was feeling lost. I felt that I had lost my authentic swing. I was questioning my role – my purpose. I was questioning my passions. I felt that I was passionate about things I used to be passionate about only because I was supposed to be. I did not feel the passion like I used to. I wonder whether reality did a bit of dampening work. I guess it did. Somebody said that I am an idealist. Probably I am and I am proud to be one. But the problem is, I think my idealism is more in the thought level and things don’t translate well into action. May be I expect a lot from myself. Anyways, I am glad that Tim spoke what he spoke. (Ajoy joked saying that Tim had found his authentic swing. You see, Tim had forgotten his notes at home that morning.) I cannot say that I have all the answers or that I have found my authentic swing. However, I can confidently say that I have hope again. One another thing what Tim spoke about was how we approach God – legalistic approach versus broken approach. Although I was judging a lot of people when he spoke about legalistic approach, I realised that I was guilty of the very same thing. I tend to go to God or not go to Him based on how well or how badly I had behaved. God, in His grace, once again pulled me out and showed me that it is not about me and how dirty I am. It is more about recognizing that I apart from Him, I have no goodness in me. I go to Him because I am broken; because I can’t make it on my own. I can’t even depend on Him without He intervening. And yet again, that is what He proved – that I can remain dependent on Him, to have faith in Him apart from Him holding on to me. That gives me hope. Also, it is in that brokenness – in the broken dreams, pain and suffering – you realise your authentic swing. And not because you go hunting for it but in our brokenness we allow God some room to have His way. In allowing God to have His way, we find that authentic swing. Have you ever felt frustrated when trying to do something you are not able to find that specific style of yours which was successful in the past? You try to replicate it. It doesn’t work. You try to do the things that you used to do before and after so that you might get it. You still do not see any results. You feel that you have lost it. It is gone. But when you have given up and when you have stopped trying, suddenly you see yourself surprise you! It is like that. You know you have an authentic swing. You seem to have lost. You try to regain it by following rituals that used to go along with your swing in the past. Things still seem to fail. You now begin to be disillusioned because you fell short of your expectations. You begin to lose hope. When in that hopelessness God reaches out to us and picks us up from where we are, we see the pointlessness of rituals. It is all about Him and in letting go of ourselves in Him we find that authentic swing again. Honestly, I got out more from the message but I am not able to write all about it. This is just one of the things I gained from the message. Once again, I thank God for He is much bigger than my failures! |
|
June 26th, 2006
The BIG and the small of it... POSTED AT 09:52 AM in Thoughts, This funny thing called life Being the idealist and theorist I am I get a bit disillusioned when things don’t go the way I expect it to. (Read More)
|
|
June 30th, 2006
A Desperately Wicked Heart POSTED AT 10:33 AM in Ramblings, Jus' wondering I have wanted to write in my blog for a number of days… I would start and then stop. i wonder if I might do the same thing with this post as well. It is because I have a lot of things going on in my head but it is not quite structured. And any attempt at writing was either watering it down or not conveying my thoughts really. Anyways, there might be more rambling here than consistency really. I decided to do justice to my thoughts than to sounding ‘sensible’. A lot of scattered thoughts really. Most of it would be linked to the state of relationship with God. Some of it would be just things I picked up here and there. In my work, we are into the business of empowering poor women. One of the signs of being empowered is the ability to disagree even with those that empowered you. It is ironic. It is tough to accept. But that is real empowering. And those that are in the business of empowering – like the body of Christ, parents, even I – need to learn to let go. In letting go, you have accomplished what you set out to achieve. And the awesome thing here is, even after letting go if they choose to agree with or stay with you. In that we can be secure that you are chosen not because you forced yourself upon them but because you were chose out of freedom of choice. I wonder if that is how God feels about His children… I strongly hold on to the doctrine of grace. And I resist anyone that does not hold on to the same doctrine as I. How could they not believe that God is gracious and there is nothing we can do to earn his favour? Initially, my response was ‘how foolish?’ This was followed by mild irritation at statements that overlooked grace and emphasized works. Irritation slowly turned into frustration. After a point of time, I was totally frustrated and disillusioned. You see, I had become the very thing I said I am not. I was being a legalist to the core. In being an advocate of the doctrine of grace, I ceased to show grace to the others. I was beginning to despise myself. I wasn’t all that I claimed to be or was supposed to be. I refused to show grace even to myself. The things I used to do, I ceased to do as I was doing these without any meaning. I not only ceased to do, I scorned those who did it. You see, my doctrine became my idol. I believed in something but did not necessarily follow it up in my thoughts and actions. I did not give room to God to deal with the others the way he thought fit. Soon, I was missing out on the essentials and was keener on getting my doctrine in order. I thought well and answered well, but my heart was not in it. I am on the road to recovery. Not because of what doctrine I believe in but because of his grace. His sustaining grace and faithfulness. Reading: Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring Listening to: Lots of music on my comp Feeling: Busy |
|
