Are you listening?
POSTED AT 10:40 AM in Thoughts, Ramblings

bungi

Have you been in a situation where you feel that you are not being listened to? You are speaking a lot of things, but the people are not listening to you. They are either in their own world or they are busy jumping topics.

Another sort of situation – you are in a big group. You are sort of competing to be heard. After a point you just clam up because there is no point. Some other times you clam up merely because you don’t want to say something stupid and for the fear of ridicule. At least you appear wise when you shut up and give that intellectual look.

Well, I shut up for various reasons. But I do feel not listened to. I was thinking about it day before yesterday. Actually, even if you are allowed to speak your gut out and the people hear you out, you are still going to feel un-listened to.

The time you feel truly listened is when you are accepted for who you are – with all your blunders and stupid statements. Being listened to is to do with more than the words you speak. It is to do with your heart and being accepted. It is more than and beyond the words you speak. If you actually look at it, you feel truly listened to when you don’t have to say anything at all.

Reading: Fellowship of the Ring
Feeling: pensive

Bad hair day
POSTED AT 05:30 PM in Ramblings

bungi

This is my first real experience with bad hair. Well, I have had bad hair days when I was in school. I had short hair and it used to stick up when I woke up in the morning. Well, I learned to overcome it by wetting my hair before combing it. In the process, I ended up with sinusitis. Well, that will be a topic for another day.

Also, I don’t really care about bad hair days. Because they were bad hair days on my terms and conditions. It really did not matter. In fact, I liked the messy hair. I had always liked messy hair from when I was a kid. Like I said, I intended it to be messy – it was on my terms.

But today is the first day when I am having a real bad hair day. Got my hair trimmed yesterday. Man, I look like some vague wannabe pop-star from the 80’s! Gosh! I look like somebody else! I wish I hadn’t cut my hair. I would have to wait till it grows out again. L Well, I do have an option. I could cut it short like it was before. I don’t want to do that yet. I mean, I grew it out for one year. I would probably do something else once it grows out of the mess it is in (well, in to another mess may be).

As for now, it is back to bandana days. I shall look forward to the things I can do with my bandana – all over again! Thank God for bandanas.

Reading: still with the fellowship of the ring
Feeling: sulking

Are you cosmopolitan?!
POSTED AT 01:34 PM in Thoughts, Jus' wondering, This funny thing called life

bungi

I was having a chat with a friend who I met after a long time. She is an NRI (Non-resident Indian) now. I have met non-resident Indians before. However, they were second generation NRI’s. They were NRI’s because their parents were. However, this friend is a first generation NRI. Anyways, we were talking about her experiences as a non-resident Indian. I picked a couple of interesting points from our chat which I thought I will share in this blog.

Being cosmopolitan – there are cities in India which are cosmopolitan in a sense. There are people from all over the country living there. Sometimes there are also people from other countries. This gives you great exposure and learning experiences. It is more so in an NRI’s life. Here your experiences are broader. You get to meet and learn from people across the globe and not merely from different states.

One of the advantages of a cosmopolitan exposure is you learn a lot. You learn to live on your own. You learn to make it on your own. You learn to tolerate other culture. Well, in short, greater the exposure greater the learning experience. This seemed to make sense. But I stopped short.

Here is what I realized. We human beings are good at adapting. Whatever the situation, we learn to adapt in that situation. So, a villager who has been in a village all his life does not need a cosmopolitan outlook. You wouldn’t learn something you needn’t know. This villager doesn’t need to learn to use fork to eat his food, to tolerate alien culture, to dress in alien clothes, to speak English. However, a ‘cosmopolitan’ person would need to learn all these.

This is nothing great. What true learning is really, I think, has got to do with tolerance – not just toward peoples from different cultures and nationalities but also towards those who aren’t cosmopolitan. I do not know if I am getting my idea across clearly. Ok, let me put it this way. Being truly cosmopolitan is not merely being tolerant of fellow cosmopolitans but tolerant of even those who are not cosmopolitan.

The other thing I learnt was more like a reiteration of what I already know. You learn the true value of something when you don’t have it. You do not realize how good light is till you actually face darkness. You realize the value of family, friends, and the familiarity around you only when you are in an unfamiliar situation.

Also, the you do not really miss a place. You miss a place for what it meant to you. a family home is merely a building but it means something to you because of the times you spent there with your loved ones. So, in a sense, being attached to a place is not really being attached to the place really, but to the memories and the meaning those places offer you.

Think about it…

Reading: Fellowship of the Ring

Why do you want to know?
POSTED AT 09:21 AM in Thoughts

bungi

I haven’t written in the blog in a long time. I wanted to take a break from it. You know there are times when you really don’t have anything to say, but you say something just to fill the silence? I really am not good at that and usually end up making a fool of myself. This break has been good as a lot of thought have been thought up in my head. I have written down the different strains of thoughts and think I will write about them one by one. The warning is, the thoughts will overlap despite being different ‘strains’ as they have all been thought up in my head.

I have been listening to a lot of music as well during this time. Four different friends shared some music with me. And with my new comp and new headphones, I have been freaking out on music as well. My recent stint with music will be the topic for another day. (Don’t count on that too much. I may just never get around to writing about that.)

For now I want write about the desire to know God’s will and various other things linked to the why of it. The other day, I was having a chat with my supervisor about God’s will. During the discussion, I said that God’s will is something like a dialogue. Sometimes, you say something that sort of makes sense to you at that moment and say it. But with this statement, I realized that I drew out it more later on than when I said it. I do not believe that God’s will for us is something rigid. Well, there may be times when you just live your life not really concerned about what God’s will for your life is really. I am not saying that it is wrong. I am not even going to elaborate on the statement I made that day to my supervisor. I am going to write about things I pondered on.

I was pondering on why this preoccupation with God’s will. I have pondered about God’s will for my life, for my future, for my life partner, for my career path, for a lot of other things. Often times, the assumption is, I want to be in God’s will so that I don’t mess up. I mean, if am going against His will, that wouldn’t be the best path to go. I may end up suffering for choosing the wrong thing. In other words, the reason for seeking out God’s will is so that I can be happy; I can avoid suffering; I can be safe; I is the biggest reason. Often times, desire to know God’s will is just like having your palm read, of reading your horoscope, visiting your astrologer…

Aren’t we a little mistaken there? Have you ever wondered that God’s will for us may not be all happy and rosy? In fact, His will may be for us to suffer! Paul suffered. A lot of other guys suffered. Jesus suffered. Why should it be any different for us? I hope I am not scaring you off. But honestly, is the reason to know God’s will ourselves?

Somebody once said that if God were to tell us everything that we’d go through, we may not believe Him and may even resist what He has planned for us. And my mentors once said that if I really want to know God’s will, I need to be open to what God has in store for me. There has to be a total surrender of self to God. You need to trust Him completely that He will not do anything to harm us but to build us – even if it means suffering. (This trust needs to be in the heart and not just the head.) May be, just may be, He will let us know what His will for us is, only if we are willing to really know. For those of us who are not willing to really know, I guess we’ll know anyway because He will take us through anyway! And while we are at it, He gives us the strength anyway! Come to think of it, do you have to really know God's will? I guess if I trust Him enough, I don't have to worry about where He is taking me just because I trust Him.

I think He is more interested in who we are than in what we become in the future. I am not saying that He is not concerned about what we become but He is keener on preparing us for the eternity before us. And I believe that as long as we are open, He is open to dialogue…
Reading: Fellowship of the Ring
Listening to: 'In the Shadows' by Rasmus
Feeling: Sleepy

Looking out of the Window
POSTED AT 11:55 AM in Thoughts

bungi

I love the window seat. Be it the train, or the flight or even the exam hall. Wherever possible, I request for a window seat. There is something about the window seat. It gives you freedom. Although you are trapped inside you have the opportunity to be part of a whole new world. Sometimes it is your only route to freedom - especially when you are trapped inside of an exam hall and you don’t quite enjoy writing exams.

You may not be looking out of the window constantly. But you know it is there and you can look out of it when you please. And there may be times when you will perform the journey without looking out of the window for the most part of it. And when you are writing your exam, you cannot really look out of it for too long. You are actually writing your exam most of the time. (However hard you may hate writing exams, you definitely hate it even more to fail one. Failing means you have to write it again!!)

When you are on a long journey you are either reading or watching other people or just sleeping or watching a movie or listening to music (though listening to music and looking out of the window are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes, you like listening to music when you are looking out of the window. It adds to the enchantment.). The fact is you are just happy that you have the window to look out when you want to take a break from what’s happening in the world that you are expected to be in. you have an alternate world to escape into when you want. That offers you some sort of solace. I guess that is one of the reasons why windows are special. They offer a route of escape.

Windows are useful. They offer escape from the mundane. They are special. They open a new world to you. They open up your mind. They help you think. I have let a lot of thought run through my head when I have looked out of windows. Looking out of flight windows I have thought how big the world is and how small we are. Yet we are significant. I don’t know how to express it in words. Let me give it a try. The world is huge and vast. I occupy but one insignificant space on earth. Yet, I have this opportunity to travel and see the magnificence of some parts of it! Who am I?!

When I look out of the window of a train, I realise the vastness of the world we live in. the variety that is seen outside makes me take a second look at my outlook towards the seemingly insignificant of the world. Every person, every object, every hillock, every tree, every blade of grass, every cloud, every sunset, has beauty to offer – whether people take note of it or not. It is up to us to look at it and drink in the beauty the world has to offer.

I love the window seat…

Reading: Fellowship of the Ring
Listening to: Sunscreen Song - Baz Lurhman

Whoa! Slow down man...
POSTED AT 12:02 PM in This funny thing called life, Trying to be funny

bungi

This is actually a continuation of my previous blog entry. However, did not feel that it went well with the rest it. Besides, I think this issue deserves special treatment and ought to be discussed as a whole new topic.

I have refrained from talking about one other form of travel despite it being the form that is mostly in use – road travel. Road travel, especially to office and back! The most exasperating of travels!! I mean, doesn’t that guy in the auto ahead of you understand your hurry?!! What is he thinking of himself?! I have an appointment and I am already running late! Dang! And the signal HAS to turn red just now! Man, what is the world coming to!

Those are normally the thoughts that run in my head when I am on the road in my beloved city which I have adopted to be mine. Those are the thoughts that run in my head when my mouth is not busy cussing that is! One day I slowed down. Hey, everybody else has the right to be there just like me. And guess what, they are people too… yes, the irritating auto guy that wouldn’t budge, the crazy wannabe teenager on his fast bike, even that driver at the wheel of that monstrous truck or the metropolitan bus.

They are all people. They deserve respect because they are people. (Whether they behave in a manner that is worthy of respect is another issue altogether. And whether I respect them all the time is yet another issue altogether!) Remembering that they are people helps me take the extra effort to be patient with them and to be try and respect them. To remember that they are people, I realise that I need to slow down and make myself look at them. When I look at them, I begin to see the human in them.

Well, I guess it comes to slowing down. I heard this song by Enya. I liked it. Think I will finish with quoting part of the lyrics from this song called “Wild Child”.

Ever close your eyes.
Ever stop and listen.
Ever feel alive.
And you've nothing missing.
You don't need a reason
Let the day go on and on.

Let the rain fall down.
Everywhere around you
Give into it now.
Let the day surround you
You don't need a reason
Let the rain go on and on

Only take the time.
From the helter skelter.
Every day you find.
Everything's in kilter.
You don't need a reason.
Let the day go on and on

Reading: Fellowship of the Ring
Listening to: Wild Child - Enya
Feeling: pensive

Who do you love?
POSTED AT 12:08 PM in Jus' wondering, This funny thing called life

bungi

When you say that you love someone, who do you love?

Do you love what that person means to you? or do you love what he/she does for you? do you love the fact that he/she counts on you? or is it the way the person looks (this may be superficial, but cannot deny that it exists)? Or is it their character that appeals to you?

In short, what I am trying to say is that, often in loving a person we love who we think that person is. This came as a shock to me when I realised that I love my idea of someone rather than that person. I have been giving this some thought. Well, I guess that is the way we are.

There are times when we wake up with a rude shock to the real person. Sometimes, love is stronger than your illusions. Despite the rude realities that you have been deluding, you are willing to learn about the person and continue to love the person. In fact you love the person more after you revise your ideas of the person. The very fact that you are willing to work at that relationship shows that the relationship is more important than your delusions. The more you get to know a person the more you revise your opinion. And the more you love the person, the more you are willing to work at your delusion and to make it as true as possible.

There is one another thing when it comes to changing your perception. Is the other person willing to let you see who they are and are they committed to staying in the relationship? It is true that it takes two hands to clap. Are they willing to help you walk through this period of… well, delusion? Are they willing to see you for who you really are? There are times when you so want the relationship and the other person doesn't care or seems not to care. I agree it is difficult to go on if that is the situation.

Relationship is a complicated thing. But we are wired for relationships. And so don't think we can do without them. As we learn more about the other person, we are also on a journey of self-discovery. Often times relationships are not about what we know about one another but what do we do with our knowledge of one another. Do we commit to love them despite the fact that they are perfect or do we decide to sit in judgment? Somebody said that love is not merely feelings or emotions. Rather it is a commitment and a decision. Sounds good to me.

As I was thinking about this, I couldn't help but think about my relationship with God. We are like this in our relationship with God as well. We learn more about Him as we journey with Him. Well, for a change He is someone that knows us completely. But, yeah, we need to know who He is. Otherwise we would end up worshipping our idea of Him rather than worship Him. And thank Him, He helps us revise the idea constantly. Our head cannot hold the complete knowledge of who He is. And in knowing who He is, we also learn who we are - in Him. An used to say, one step at a time...

Sorry if my thoughts seem too scattered. This was something that I wanted to write on. And here it is...

Reading: Fellowship of the Ring
Listening to: Random music on my comp
Feeling: pensive

Reflections on life and lessons from death
POSTED AT 09:54 AM in Thoughts

bungi

I woke up with a bad news on Monday morning. My mother called to say that her very good friend died in a car accident the previous night. You know how it is with news of death. Even if you are shocked initially, it slowly grows on you through the whole day and it starts to sink in. that is how it was with me yesterday.

 

In this blog entry, I will focus on what my mom's friend meant to me and on death, life and other stuff.

 

My mom and she became friends when I was studying in school. Her son was studying in the same boarding school as I. Since we are from the same town, we traveled together to school after weekends at home and all that. As we grew up and got out of school, visiting each other's houses decreased gradually. What I remember the most about this person was the life about her. She was so vibrant and full of energy and life. She had this big smile on her face and a really cheerful air about her. It is hard to imagine that her life has ceased to exist. Even as I write this I can't imagine she is dead. This not the way it is supposed to be…

 

She died in an accident. It was a matter of seconds for when the accident took place. It could have been averted. It was a result of rash driving. Someone was in a great hurry that he had to kill someone on the way… It is even harder to accept her death because she needn't have died…

 

These are the things I reflected on when I was thinking about life and death yesterday. Some of the thoughts may be clichéd, but it is worth reminding ourselves of these things.

 

Time is short. Don’t miss out on opportunities. I feel bad for not having visited her more often. It is ironic to think that a person's life now has become only memory - etched in photos, videos and hearts.

 

Don't get hung up with small issues and miss out on fun and laughter and love. When a person is dead we have only good things to say about a person. But when a person is alive, we judge them on every action and word. I was sitting at a coffee house and criticizing very many people on the way they behaved and stuff. We need to look beyond the exterior - be it a tough exterior, arrogant, shy, uncool, rude, fake, wannbe, whatever. They have a heart and that heart is seeking to love and be loved. I think it would help to remember that if someone dies, they would leave a void in someone's life. That makes their life worth it. Let us not criticize.

 

When a person dies we don't grieve for the dead really. We grieve for those who are left behind including ourselves.

 

This blog entry is dedicated to Mrs. Renuga Vasudevan who died on 23 July 2006 in a road accident.

Feeling: sad